After I disconnect from an interview, the first thing I do is make sure to back it up to my external hard drive, check that the cloud back up is working, and then I quickly leave my desk. I escape my office, usually to the patio doors, and grab a deep breath. I need to feel something else for a minute. Safety? Comfort? Shoving down pain? I can’t name it.

I love talking with adopted people about their experiences. I look forward to interviews. I often get nervous right before I get on the call. I am focused on every word as we talk. I write notes furiously so I don’t miss an important question. When they say “the phrase” - I immediately know it when I hear it - I write it down as the title for the episode.

After we officially recommend our resources for listeners, and tell people where they can follow the guest on social media, we wrap up and close out the recording but I stay on the call with the guest. I say thank you. I have to tell them to take extra care of themselves in the next few days because these interviews can come at a great cost to their energy levels.

If time allows, I try and stay to talk as long as they’d like. I often have school pick-up looming, but I try and squeeze in as much time as they need. That’s where some of their biggest pain leaks out. “I didn’t share this, but I’ll tell you off-the-record, this is how much worse it was. I even tried to kill myself.” I comfort as I can. I listen more and remind them that therapy is important. I nod and say, “me too” when we share the same grief. I promise I’m an email away and to keep in touch.

I run out of my office. I gulp cool air from the opened doors. I wonder if I said the right things. I can feel their pain. I think our pain can be lightened when we share our story, the way you can convince one of your kids to carry one grocery bag of your eight (but it has to be bread or crackers or something light, never the milk jug). This sounds a little woo woo, but don’t you think it’s possible that a little pain leaks out into the community who hears your grief, and that lessens yours just a smidge, just one loaf of bread’s worth?

I have this hope that all adopted people would be able to share their stories. Their whole story, without skipping the hard stuff. Only when it’s safe of course, only when it feels like the right time. If we could share that story with just a few more people, we could lighten our burden a little. The community can carry it with us.

I’m thankful that I can carry some of your grief with me. I know that someone out there is carrying a little of mine for me.

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I’m incredibly grateful to Haley for sharing this peek behind the scenes. I have always wondered how she manages with the emotional toll of hosting the Adoptees On podcast. Haley, I hope I’ve been able to help you carry some of your grief, as you’ve helped me with mine when you interviewed me for episode 153.

This goes out to all the adoption activists who are changing the narrative one tweet, blog post, podcast or conversation at a time. And also to everyone who’s not able to be an activist right now, as they are only able to make it through one day at a time. Let’s look after one another.