Hello! You may have seen us in The Guardian and are curious as to what it’s all about. Adopted people needing support? What for!? Well, a warm welcome! You’re about to find out what the challenges are and how we’ve been campaigning for change in support for adopted people.

Here at How To Be Adopted, we have been pondering what it means to be adopted for a number of years. (Feels like longer, says my husband!) So, if you’ll permit us we wanted to share what we’ve learned in 7 tips, covering the journey we’ve been on:

1. Read, watch and listen to all the adoptee content

   Many people start with this stage, almost like a hyper-fixation, you consume as much as you can find - from books, to podcasts and blogs. A popular pitstop at this stage is all six series of the podcast AdopteesOn - caution, may leave you crying on the kitchen floor with relief and recognition. Anne Heffron’s You Don’t Look Adopted is a popular book choice, and her Instagram is full of truth bombs.

   This Paul Sunderland video on addiction and adoption is important, but very hard hitting. Make sure you have someone to hold your hand while you watch.

2. Find someone you trust to talk to

   It’s quite common to withdraw a little at this stage as you’re processing everything you’re reading and learning. You may find that people you thought were a safe sounding board are bringing their own opinions to the table when you really need someone to listen. If you have an understanding friend or partner, bravo. Otherwise you may want to find a therapist. This is where we break the bad news that adoption-competent therapists are thin on the ground in the UK as they have to be registered with Ofsted to treat adopted people. PAC-UK are a good option at this stage, ask if your local authority funds any therapeutic sessions with them. If not, the phoneline is a godsend.

3. Connect with other adoptees

   How To Be Adopted is a good place to start. We hold regular adoptee events in person and online including the North London adoptee group. The next one is 15th October 2022 10am-3pm, a virtual retreat to boost our wellbeing before National Adoption Week. Find out more and book

   We’ve put together a list of the adoptee peer groups we know about in the UK. In the US there’s AdopteesConnect.

   Another UK organisation who run events is Adoptee Futures.

4. Stay boundaried on social media

   Following on from the above, you may head to social media to connect with other adopted people. It’s worth knowing that Twitter can be a really tough place to be, so take it very easy! Instagram is slightly kinder, in my experience.

5. Get support for search and reunion

   Sadly, reunion is rarely like Long Lost Family. If it’s something you’re thinking about, PAC-UK is a good start as are Barnardo’s and Family Connect. These are for England and Wales. The important thing to remember is, if reunion doesn’t work out, it’s not your fault - these are relationships for which we have no blueprint and many birth parents carry a lot of shame (this is not our shame to carry, by the way!)

6. Look after your wellbeing and stay in the body

   You may want to consider other therapies on top of / instead of talking therapy. We cannot recommend anything in particular, but some adopted people have found cranial sacral therapy, reiki, EMDR, massage, somatic therapy and music therapy helpful.

   Coming out of the fog, as it’s referred to, is a very emotional, draining time for many. So prioritise your wellbeing as much as you can. At this stage you might start learning about the nervous system and realise that you have been living in flight/fight/freeze/fawn. Be compassionate with yourself. Try to stay grounded (exercise from Gilli below), and consider anything that takes you into the body, such as yoga, swimming, walking, gardening. The Body Keeps The Score is an important read.

7. Check the credentials of support organisations

   There are a number of organisations who purport to offer support for adopted people. It’s important to look into this, as the big ones are actually set up by and run for adoptive parents. That’s not to say you shouldn’t use them, but be aware.

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Gilli’s grounding exercise

Some signs that you may be ‘ungrounded’ include:

• You get distracted easily

• Feeling spaced out

• An inability to concentrate with focused attention

• You over-think or ruminate

• You engage in personal dramas

• You experience anxiety and perpetual worrying

• A sense of urgency, a need to be fast-paced as if everything needs to happen right now

Physical clues may include:

• Poor sleep patterns and on-going fatigue

• Inflammation

• Poor circulation

• Palpitations or feeling as though your heart is racing

• Knotted stomach or tension in the body

• You feel fidgety and it is hard to sit still and relax properly

Research on grounding has been accumulating over the last 15 years and there is growing evidence that grounding techniques will:

• Elevate mood

• Reduce emotional stress

• Improve immune responses and reduce inflammation

• Improve blood flow

• Improve sleep, rest and relaxation

Grounding techniques

Cover your crown – place one or both hands over your crown, close your eyes,

breathe deeply and mentally push yourself down gently for 30 -60 seconds.

Feel your feet – stand or sit and put all your attention into your feet. Feel any

sensations of socks, shoes, floor surface, temperature etc. 30-60 seconds.

Stand like a tree – stand with your feet parallel and at least shoulder’s width apart.

Keep your head floating above your body, chin tucked in and spine straight. Rest

your hands at your side or on your navel. Without collapsing your posture – sink all

your weight and tension into your feet, allowing it to sink deeper and out into the

ground below. Imagine roots growing from your feet and out into the ground.

Extend these roots out to the sides like the roots of an old oak tree. Extend them

deeper into the ground. Strengthen a sense of being so firmly rooted into the

ground that nothing could blow you over – you are firmly anchored into the ground

and are part of it. Hold this for 60-90 seconds.

Follow your breath – focus on the sensation of the breath and track it as it enters

the nose, down into the lungs and back out again. Don’t force the breath to change

just notice it. In particular pay attention to the space between the outbreath and the

next in-breath – this is the moment when the body enjoys total stillness and where

you will find it.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash