Well-being is a topical subject. People talk about it all the time, especially now.

To live with well-being, we know that we should be mindful, strive to achieve balance, exercise our minds and bodies and try to find a sense of purpose in our lives. As a practising psychotherapist, this is my daily narrative.

Yet as an adult adoptee, my own journey to well-being was a messy one.

For most of my life, I personally struggled to achieve a sense of inner peace, or what I might now call well-being. But when I was growing up, I didn’t feel as though I could reasonably attribute this to anything to do with my adoption. I had a stable family home, clean clothes, food on the table and a good education. I had two parents who were there every day and who were proud of the fact that they treated my non-adopted sister and me “exactly the same”.

It wasn’t until much later that I understood just how much my adopted status had affected me. I’d sat in front of many a therapist, questioning the point of life and describing my lack of ease in the world around me. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, or why I kept living through the same negative patterns. Why did I keep messing up relationships? How was it that I couldn’t trust? What was the vacillation between feeling needy and pushing people away all about? Why did I feel like I didn’t fit into my family? In the end, my search for the answers brought me to psychology and ultimately psychotherapy.

When the time came to carry out my Masters dissertation, realistically there was only one topic I could consider: adoptees and how they feel. So my research question was: “Levels of well-being in adults adopted as infants: what can we learn?”

First off, I learnt that although my mum and dad had parented my (non-adopted) sister and me in the same way, this was probably a large part of the problem. Years later, my mother told me my adoption was a “non-thing” to her. Essentially, she was saying that she had always considered me “the same” as my sister. But the reality of this meant we didn’t talk about how it all felt for me. Unfortunately, this also resulted in our not talking about the issue at the very heart of my experience - the fact that I didn’t feel I was in the right place (in the family) and their resulting sadness that I was never particularly happy. I wish we’d all had conversations about my feelings.

Statistics show that adoptees are over-represented in therapy, although they often don’t even realise their feelings may be linked to their adoption. Aren’t we supposed to be grateful? Didn’t we get plucked from impending doom when our adoptive parents “saved” us? Maybe, but it’s just not that straightforward. Adoptees often experience complex and conflicting feelings towards our adoptive families. Our adoptive parents’ style is also a key factor - are they warm and open with their love and understanding? If not, we might unconsciously feel even more rejected.

Frequently we are consumed with a need to understand who we came from (genetic bewilderment) and we may feel we’re betraying our adoptive parents for feeling like this. It’s entirely normal as a human being to want to know where we came from, but often there isn’t the communication within families to enable adoptees to speak about it.

And this is one of the key findings of my research. Prospective adopters need to be aware of the need for open communication around the fact of being adopted - not just a commitment themselves to parent the child in the same way they would their “own” baby. The adopted infant has complex needs and must experience a safe space in which to explore their feelings. They are expected to grow, develop and thrive in an environment that is alien to them and they will need a space where they are not made to feel ungrateful or disloyal for feeling the way they do.

So, what’s the answer?

An infant’s separation from their biological parent(s) results in trauma, it’s as simple as that. So, ideally families would be supported to stay together, but of course this is not always possible. My research findings are that adoptees struggle to achieve well-being compared with the general population. Separation trauma, problems of attachment, issues of identity, depression and anxiety are just some of the problems faced by adult adoptees.

But it can be made better.

I conclude with a suggested model of adoption - one that aims to ensure that adoptive parents are a good match for the child they intend to parent. Controversial? Well, when I was adopted there was a lot of emphasis on my being “an ideal baby” for my adoptive parents but no consideration given to whether they were “ideal” for me as I grew up and attempted to live with well-being. It doesn’t need to be this way.

This model would go some way to making sure that is the case for future adoptees:

1. Adoptive parent(s) with secure attachment style

If parents are insecure, anxious or avoidant, they are likely to make an already traumatised child feel more disconnected

2. Adoptive parent(s) who have grieved for, had therapy and overcome an inability to conceive naturally

Parents who would have never considered adoption as an option, often turn to it out of desperation when they have tried and failed to conceive. Let’s be real, in these circumstances they are adopting for themselves, not the child. Research suggests they need to grieve for their own loss before they can “be” what the adopted child needs

3. Adoptive parent(s) with the ability to mentalize the experience of their adopted child

Essentially, a parent who can put themselves in the “feelings” of the adopted child. The parent needs to accept that a baby or infant will be traumatised, suffer issues of fear, loss and rejection. Parents need to attempt to empathise with this in order to allow their child to explore/express their feelings

4. Adoptive parent(s) who are psychologically ready, prepared and willing to work with issues of separation, trauma, loss, identity and contact

As above, but adoptive parents should expect these issues and be prepared to discuss them in an open, supportive environment. This should continue as the child grows and develops and begins to question their identity.

5. Adoptive parent(s) who encourage open and supportive discourse about issues of separation, trauma, loss, identity and contact.

This should include the adoptee’s siblings (adopted or otherwise)

Again, the parents should initiate and encourage these conversations.

6. Therapy to be available as standard as adoptees reach adolescence and young adulthood

All adoptees should benefit from therapy or adoption competent support as they mature and question their experiences and identity.

This model does not include the right of the adoptee to access their birth records automatically which would lessen health anxiety and discoveries of health risk too late in life. Since this is a legal argument, it falls outside the scope of this model

Well-being matters. In the UK, the Office of National Statistics (ONS) tracks citizens’ well-being. Everyone benefits from a society high in well-being because it lowers the suicide rate and increases productivity, among many other positives.

And anyway, don’t we all seek to live with happiness?

At the moment in the UK, some 6,000 infants or children are up for adoption each year. This means that in 20 years’ time there will be an additional 120,000 adults living in Britain who were adopted as infants or children. They too deserve a fair chance.

You can find Lara on Instagram @Iamlaraleon and Twitter @IamLaraLeon

Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

References:

Koivumaa-Honkanen et al, (2001) Williamson, 2014

Office for National Statistics (ONS), 2020 Verrier, 2013

11.01.2021 Corrected 60,000 to 6,000; babies to infants and children; 240,000 adults to 120,000 adults